The First Steps
by ArinSkye
Summary: A series of vignettes that looks back on how the relationship of Shepard and Kaidan from Turn the Tables and Twist the Knife began and developed over the course of ME1... Semi-canon, rated M for occasional language and the final chapter (the love scene.)
1. The Final Frontier

_A/N - As I reached the end of Twist the Knife, I began to feel more and more melancholy... The characters of Shepard and Kaidan from Turn the Tables and Twist the Knife had become old friends, and I knew I would miss them terribly, no matter how much I was committed to finishing their story. It was a feeling that I knew from reaching the end of Turn the Tables, but having Twist the Knife on deck helped alleviate it. Add that to the fact that during my most recent playthrough of the series (my first complete trilogy play since I created the AU world of TTT and TTK), I viewed ME1 through the eyes of these characters, and found that there were a few things I wanted to change. So this 'story' was born in a bout of writer's block during TTK Priority: Earth - London. It's more a collection of vignettes than a true story. It's centered around the conversations between Shepard and Kaidan in ME1, and framed within the development of my own version's relationship... if that makes sense. I'm sticking fairly close to canon, especially at first, but there will be tweaks toward the end. And while all but the last chapter will be safe for anyone to read, it will culminate (haha see what I did there?) with the love scene and thus, be rated M.  
_

 _In preparation for the story, I created a detailed timeline/backstory for Shepard, and you can see that if you're interested on my blog at arinskye dot wordpress dot com_

 _All credit for characters, story, setting, and most of the dialog contained within belongs to Bioware._

* * *

Once Shepard dismissed everyone from the debrief and spent a frustrating two minutes arguing with the Council over the importance of her latest recruit, she started her tour on Deck 3. The habit of speaking to each of her senior staff - and as disparate and alien as her crew had become, that's how she thought of them - was deeply entrenched. She had begun it during her first command, and although at the time, she had been operating on instinct more than design, it had been extremely successful and she didn't have any intention of messing with a good thing.

She knew herself well and didn't question the reason she had started. She had been raised aboard ships and truthfully had been a rather lonely child. Her mother frequently hadn't had time for her - Shepard didn't begrudge her, she knew her mother's duties came first - and her father had been a distant connection that she saw only on important occasions or on the once a year family shore leave. There weren't a lot of other kids around, so the crews of the ships and stations she moved to as her mother's posting changed became her closest companions. It wasn't rare at all for a young Shepard to be watching the navigator in the CIC or sitting near the firing range, and she was lucky enough that most of the Alliance personnel on those ships were patient and kind with her.

By the time she got to Officer Training School on Arcturus Station and her drill instructors began to lecture against familiarity between an officer and her subordinates, the warnings fell on deaf ears. Shepard knew the value of that familiarity - and since then her ideas had proven successful time and time again. She wasn't about to change now.

But because she was always honest with herself, she could also admit that starting her rounds in the cargo hold was to give her time to prepare for her conversation with Kaidan Alenko. She wouldn't avoid him - she was, in fact, looking forward to getting to know him better - but that was also the problem. She was anticipating their conversation a little too much. Since her instructors had been equally clear when delivering their messages against fraternization - and that had been one she had heard and always followed - she wasn't sure how to keep the lines between her and her chief of marine detail from getting blurred, but she knew she had to try.

She had been very impressed with Alenko's skills during their mission Eden Prime - and extremely grateful that he had been there to haul her ass back to the Normandy after what she was mentally calling the 'Beacon incident'. She didn't kid herself that taking him on the mission to Therum had been just a professional decision, though. Watching him in combat thrilled her on several levels, and the fact that their biotics teamed together so well was only one benefit to having him on her squad. She knew she would likely be calling on him again when they reached Noveria.

Given the amount of purely female interest he sparked in her and the way she had nearly crossed the line from polite to more during their conversations in and outside the med-bay, she needed to get a handle on this before it interfered with their mission. Judging by his slip when they were exploring the Citadel, she knew her interest was returned, but the responsibility fell to her as the superior officer. She needed to nip this in the bud.

All of her preparation and good intentions flew out the window once she returned to Deck 2 and approached him. He looked up from the console that he was studying and smiled in welcome when he saw her. His whiskey colored eyes watched her walk closer and mirrored the welcome - and held more. She was doomed.

"Commander, do you have a minute?" he asked when she was close enough to hear him.

"I always make time for my officers," she replied. She hoped that the simple truth disguised the less than bland tone she'd managed to share it in. He didn't seem to notice and she relaxed a bit, letting her posture loosen, but resisted the urge to lean on the console next to him - barely.

"Off the record, I think there's something wrong here. This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can't get backup from the Council? Sorry, Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but someone isn't reading it," Kaidan said, his brow furrowed.

"The Council doesn't want to believe anything's wrong," Shepard replied, happy to turn her mind to the galactic situation. "I'd call it human nature, but…"

"I hear ya," he replied with a soft chuckle. "I – it just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming. It's funny. We finally get out here, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers."

Before she could even stop herself, she spoke the next thing that came to her head - in a tone much less than business-like.

"Well, well, you're a romantic. Did you sign on for 'the dream,' Alenko? Secure man's future in space?"

"Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves," he seemed to realize what he had said - implied - and blushed softly. "Or, you know. For justice," he corrected himself. "Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry, 'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.' I'm not looking for 'the dream.' I just want to do some good. See what's out here." He paused a moment and his posture stiffened a bit. "Sorry if I get too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus in BAaT."

She waved off his concern with a smile. Recognizing that she was totally screwed, but figuring that she'd deal with it later, she decided to pursue the conversation. She was truly interested in his story. She hadn't spoken with with many other human biotics - there were so few of them. And since her experience had been drastically different from his - although her abilities had made themselves known in early childhood, as was typical, her mother had read the Alliance reports on L2 implants and had resisted having Shepard's put in until she was 16 and the L3 was available - she was curious to hear how those differences had shaped him.

"Tell me about it," she said with an encouraging smile.

"'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was 'Brain Camp'," he winced a bit and then corrected himself. "Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind. We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.' There are worse results of 'accidental' exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."

"Is there some question about how you were exposed?" she asked in concern.

"My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins," he explained. "It only gets iffy around '63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals. Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you're out on Jump Zero."

Shepard gave a low whistle and wondered how she didn't know any of this. His story made the ostracizing and stigma she had often suffered once her abilities made themselves known seem insignificant, though they had wounded her at the time.

"You know of any intentional exposures for certain?" she asked carefully.

"No one 'knows'," Kaidan replied with a shake of his head. "Doesn't mean they didn't happen. As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals." He paused a moment and seemed lost in his memories. "It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold. I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene."

She nodded and decided to move on. Nothing they would say could change wrongs suffered in the past.

"'Jump Zero' is Gagarin Station, right?" she asked for confirmation. "What's it like?"

"Yeah, that's the official name," he confirmed with a smile. "Biggest and farthest facility we had for decades. Right on the termination shock, the outer edge of the solar system. It's where they did all the 'goose chase' FTL research. Before we caught on to using mass effect fields. The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids. It was as sterile research platform when I was there."

"There were other kids in the same boat, right?" she asked earnestly, as if she could change the story retroactively. She wanted to provide comfort, make it better for him. "At least you weren't alone out there."

"That's true. We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out," he said, and a smile indicated that she had succeeded in evoking better memories. "We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks."

"Then you must have had plenty of time to get to know each other... or more," she said with a smirk.

"Yeah. We'd sit around and bull every night after dinner. Play cards or network games. But we kept our clothes on. I'm not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander. Not lightly, anyway," he muttered almost as an afterthought. He seemed to realize what he'd said and rushed on. "There was this girl named Rahna who had a little circle grow up around her… She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like you, I guess. Ma'am."

Shepard felt the warmth of his words - and the blush they caused - wash over her and she allowed herself a few seconds to be just a woman basking in the praise of a man who interested her. Then the implication of what he had said struck her and she felt a twinge of something close to jealousy. It surprised her so much she barely kept her tone even.

"Sounds like she was special to you," she said, trying not to make it an accusation.

"She was," he confirmed and her heart sank a bit. "Maybe she felt the same, but… Things never fell together. Training. You know," he trailed off a bit and then came back to himself again. "Anyway. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago."

"I wanted to get to know you a little better, that's all," she said, trying to steel herself back into the resolve he was showing. "Thanks for the talk, Kaidan."

"Well, you're welcome. Ma'am," he added the honorific almost as reminder - to both of them - she was sure. "You make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?"

"No," she replied slowly, realizing it not for the first time herself. "No, I don't. We'll talk again later."

"I'll, uh – I'll need some time to process that, Commander," he said, stiff and formal, but then he relented a bit and smiled softly, ruining the effect. "But yeah, I'd like that."

She turned and walked away slowly, and resisted the urge to look back at him and smile. Barely. She had a lot to process as well.


	2. Cutting Corners

_A/N - Apparently the universe decided it's Liara day, since both my updates today - to this story and to Twist the Knife - feature our favorite asari! Didn't plan it, but it worked out that way lol... So we're still working within the framework of canon here, though I have made some small changes to reflect what I've already written about these events in other fics. However, the farther I go in this fic (and I'm one chapter from done writing now), the Kaidan and Shepard as we know them now from Turn the Tables and Twist the Knife are starting to assert themselves, and I'm moving away from the canon ME1 versions. I'm quite happy with it, and I hope you will be, too!_

 _As always, all characters, settings, most of the dialog and the universe/plot belong to Bioware, and this fic is just a tribute to their amazing work! Thanks to all who are reading, following, favoriting! Knowing that someone is out there reading makes writing so much more rewarding! You can see this story, and much more at my blog on arinskye dot wordpress dot com... I invite you all to join me there! Til next time, Arin~_

* * *

Shepard left the med-bay and headed to the small kitchenette for a cup of coffee. She was both mentally and physically tired and she hoped the hot beverage - horrible as it was - would give her the boost she needed to complete her rounds before she could retreat to quarters to just stare at a wall and process all that had happened. She sank to the nearest chair and studied the sludgy brown liquid in her cup.

The mission on Noveria had been prolonged and intense, but the hours since had been equally so, if not more. Other than a quick debrief and her now customary scolding from the Citadel Council, she had spent the time with Liara. Shepard had steadfastly refused to take the young scientist with her on the mission - despite Liara's protests. Although she had no doubt about Liara's combat skills - she had taken her groundside several times and been impressed (even a little jealous) of her biotic skill - Shepard had suspected that the mission might end badly for Benezia and she had wanted to spare Liara the pain of having to kill her own mother. That had put her in the unique and uncomfortable position of having to notify a member of her crew not only that there had been a death in the immediate family, but that she personally had been responsible for it. It was an event she never wanted to repeat.

Liara had seemed relatively unmoved, to her surprise, and so Shepard had spent some time trying to probe further, to figure out if it was just deflection or if Liara was truly at peace. She still wasn't sure. But when she compared her friend's situation to her own... Even as distant as her relationship with her mother was, she thought she'd still have some grief and definitely a huge amount of regret if she died. And dying at the hands of one of her friends... Well, it was a complicated situation but she couldn't imagine not having an opinion on it. So, she'd stayed with Liara. And pushed. She wasn't sure she'd accomplished anything, but at least she didn't have guilt over not trying. It was one good in a whole sea of bad.

Shepard was so deep in her thoughts she didn't hear Kaidan approach until he cleared his throat and startled her. She looked up and met his expectant gaze.

"Do you have some time to talk now, Commander?" he asked softly. He looked pensive and concerned.

"Of course," she replied and tried for a welcoming smile. "Have a seat," she added, pointing to the empty chair across from her.

She watched as he seated himself and, because she was feeling a bit sorry for herself, she didn't even bother to hide that she enjoyed the view. She stayed patiently silent as he gathered himself, apparently a little unsure of where or how to start. He finally took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.

"We've played it pretty close to the book so far. But we're a long way from backup. We've got some tough calls to make. I'm just saying… try to leave yourself a way out," he began, in one long rush. "I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard," he seemed surprised to hear what he had said and rushed to correct himself. "Commander."

"That's not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Lieutenant," she scolded mildly - a tease more than anything, and they both knew it. They had worked together enough that she was sure that he knew she never stood on formalities and protocol. They had their place and time, and she was Alliance enough to recognize it, but she preferred open communication otherwise.

"I wasn't speaking to you as my commanding officer, ma'am," Kaidan told her almost as if he had read her mind. Then he paused, hesitating again, and it was clear that he wasn't sure of himself. "I don't want to send any bad signals. Just working on what I picked up. You tell me if I'm going too far. Sorry, ma'am. Maybe I got a bad signal. I mean if you're a – Maybe there's someone else you'd rather confide in. Ma'am," he added in a rush, with color staining his cheeks.

She studied his obviously embarrassed and unsure face with confusion. It wasn't like him to be so uncertain - she was sure they had broken the ice enough to get past this stage. She sighed again, and shook off the irritation of confusion combined with fatigue.

"Alright, Kaidan," she began softly, with another try at the welcoming smile. She was beginning to think she wasn't quite succeeding at it. "Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. What are you talking about?"

"Uh, Dr. T'Soni. Ma'am," he said and she was even more confused. Her face must have shown that clearly, so he tried to explain. "There's been a lower-deck rumor that she's, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data. And you were with her a long time," he winced a bit since that sounded like an accusation to both of them. "She's a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes. But I never claimed to be big on alien culture," he finished with an apologetic shrug.

Shepard stared at him, mouth agape, for a full minute as she realized the implication of what he was saying. She considered herself worldly and she certainly believed that what people did with their personal lives was their own business. She was very live and let live. Further, she knew from talking to Liara that asari didn't really have a gender, so they weren't technically female, nor, really, would she have an issue if another female were interested in her.

That wasn't the part that shocked her. It was the fact that it was Liara... a person she had come to see almost as a younger sister - one who clearly hero-worshipped her. She knew Liara was older than both she and Kaidan combined, but age was just a number, and she couldn't help but see the asari as a young girl. Frankly, Kaidan could have told her that the sun had turned purple and she would be less surprised.

"Liara?" she finally said and cleared her throat. That couldn't have been her voice, she sounded squeaky. "Are you sure?"

He laughed a bit at her obvious confusion.

"Is it so hard to believe?" he asked softly. "Look, we don't have much downtime these days. And I like being around you. But I – I don't want to take up your personal time."

"You're not," Shepard averred firmly. "There's nothing between Liara and me," she stated to be perfectly clear, though she realized he had already drawn that conclusion. "What's the real issue here, Kaidan?" she asked to get the conversation back on track.

"You're right. Sorry. It wasn't – Liara's not my main concern," Kaidan admitted with a bit of a frown. "I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard. Let me be clear about that. It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?"

"Talk to me, Kaidan," she urged softly. "You've got a little black rain cloud sitting over your head."

"I'll try to keep the deck dry," he joked. Then he sobered and continued. "You know the records about the biotic training out on Jump Zero? They're all classified. Because the Alliance made mistakes. After first contact, Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in 'experts' instead of taking it slow."

"The only experts would have to be aliens," she guessed.

"Dead on," he confirmed with a nod. "Turians, actually. That's why Conatix kept it secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think. Asking the turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them."

"And Conatix did what they thought was best," she said in a sarcastic tone.

"It wasn't best for us," he replied with some heat. "They brought in an ex-military turian named Commander Vyrnnus. To introduce himself, he liked to say, "I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father." I told him my dad wasn't in the war. He'd retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront. Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. And a lot of kids snapped. A few died. The point of all this – I guess – is that when you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it."

"So why are you telling me this?" Shepard asked as she digested all that he had said - and what he hadn't. She knew he wasn't scolding her for the choices she had made - even if he hadn't told her directly - and she would have accepted it gladly if he had. She valued his feedback, and often thought of him as her moral compass. But there seemed to be more than that between the lines. "Is there something I can do to help you get over it?"

"I'm thirty-two, Shepard. You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself," Kaidan said with a slow shake of his head. Then he met and held her eyes when he continued. "You also learn that if someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes."

Shepard wondered if she needed more coffee since she was apparently very slow.

"Special, huh?" she questioned in a tone that was anything but professional.

"If I'm out of line, just say the word," he replied, and his tone was also soft and smooth.

"You're not out of line, Kaidan," she confirmed. Then she sighed. Though not unexpected, this conversation reminded her of her constant mental debate - one that she hadn't yet resolved. As much as she wanted to give in to the part of her that wanted to know this man in ever way possible, the commanding officer in her couldn't relent. She couldn't stop herself completely, but she could at least put on some brakes. "But there are regs," she said and recognized that it was a warning to both of them.

"I get you, Shepard," he said with a nod. "I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command. Just think about what I said."

She definitely would. As if she hadn't already been thinking of it. Constantly. Still, she smiled softly and returned his nod.

"We'll talk later, Kaidan," she added, and they both heard the dismissal.

He stood from his chair slowly and turned to walk back to his station, leaving her alone with her coffee. After only a step or two, he turned back with a soft smile.

"I'd like that," he told her and then walked away.

She went back to studying her sorry excuse for coffee. It didn't even occur to her until later that she did it with a much lighter heart and a smile on her face.


	3. Distractions

_A/N - I'm still coloring (mostly) within the lines here, so not much change from canon. Don't get too comfortable, though... Next chapter goes completely off the rails and stays there lol._

 _As always, thanks to Bioware for everything, I own nothing! Thanks to everyone reading, following, and favoriting as well!_

 _You can read this and more at my blog: arinskye dot wordpress dot com_

* * *

Shepard left the comm room after a short conference with the increasingly annoying Council. She had given in to her temper and actually disconnected the call - a move she was sure she'd regret later. Right now, though, she had a headache to rival all headaches. That thought had her heading right to Kaidan's station and feeling a bit guilty.

The mission on Feros had been challenging, and the fact that she'd left Kaidan behind since a recent encounter with a thresher maw had pushed him into one of his legendary migraines had made it even more so for her. She had come to rely on the synchronicity that they seemed to have in battle, and on his cool head and level judgment. There had been plenty of times today that she could have used both - especially when the Thorian controlled Zhu's Hope colonists were lumbering toward her in a real life imitation of a zombie horror vid. It had taken all of her considerable strength and ability to come out triumphant without losing anyone - colonist or squad. Then she had been mind-fucked, first by the asari on Feros, then again during the debrief by her own asari friend.

All in all, she wished she had given in and listened to Kaidan when he had told her he was fit for duty, but concern for his health, and yes, dammit, comfort, had convinced her to leave him behind and take Wrex and Garrus. She'd wonder if she was letting her feelings for Kaidan - because it was quickly becoming apparent that she had feelings for the Lieutenant - interfere with her mission, but she knew she would have made the same decision for any member of her crew. She had proved that when she left Liara behind when they went to Noveria.

So it wasn't Kaidan specifically interfering with her mission, she knew, but perhaps her own style. She had ignored all warnings to the contrary and now considered the crew of the Normandy to be her friends and quite frankly she was closer to most of them than to her family. Since it had resulted in very few mistakes and whole bunch of wins so far, she figured she could let herself off the hook. And she wasn't planning to change.

Her headache and self-doubt took a very distant back seat when Kaidan saw her approach and looked up from his console with a warm smile.

"Hey, Kaidan, how are you feeling?" she greeted him with a smile of her own.

"Much better, thanks," he replied. "It sounds like things got pretty hairy down there. Wish I had been with you."

"There was a lot of slime and zombies," she joked, leaning a hip against the console and getting comfortable. "Trust me, you don't."

"When you put it that way..." Kaidan laughed. He sobered a bit and met her eyes. "Listen, we haven't had time together since our last chat and… a lot was said. When we talked."

"Right," she replied slowly. His manner was more hesitant than it had been previously, and as much as she didn't want to be the girl hoping the guy hadn't lost interest, her heart began to sink. "Have you changed your mind?" she asked. Better to rip the bandage off, she thought to herself.

"Not at all," he rushed to reassure her, complete with another smile. "It's just... I don't want to distract you too much."

"I'd kill for your kind of distraction right now, LT," she said with a smirk. "What've you got?"

He smiled appreciatively at her open flirt before he continued.

"The deeper we get into this mess, the bigger it seems. I'm just looking for an ear," he told her. "The debriefing wasn't the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is wrapped up in their own problems. They don't want to see what's coming."

"Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Sounds like human nature to me," she quipped wryly.

"Yeah. I guess some things carry across species well enough," he conceded with a sigh. "I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus," he added as an afterthought.

That seemed fairly open minded - not that it surprised her - after the stories he'd told her about the turian biotics expert.

"I'd think you'd carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus," she prompted him. She wasn't trying to pry - much - but she found herself too interested in everything to do with this man to resist.

"Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much about aliens as any other civilian," he told her, apparently happy to fill in the blanks. "They were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I mean, it's only be 26 years since first contact. That's not a lot of time to understand them. It was Vyrnnus who made me see how human aliens are. They're not different or special. They're jerks and saints just like us," he concluded with a wave of his hand. He paused before he went on. "Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore."

Again, she let his meaning settle in before she prompted him. She was getting fairly good at hearing not just what he said, but what he didn't say. And she was figuring out that sometimes the latter was the most important to know.

"I don't see you snapping very easily," she said slowly. "What finally did it?"

"He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm," Kaidan said blandly, though again, she could read the emotion he was masking. "She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? We've both been there." When she nodded, he continued. "Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was going to do… just something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the stone age. That's when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face. I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something."

"You wanted to help a girl you cared for," she pointed out, boiling it down to the most important piece of information she'd gleaned. "That's a noble thing."

"Maybe my intentions were noble," he conceded. "But I lost control. I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck. They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn't. Caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It's funny. I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened."

"Was Rahna all right?" she asked, filing away the other facts as 'interesting, but not important.' Kaidan was no longer that 17 year old, and she had every reason to know that his control was legendary at this point, so she wasn't about to judge him for a past indiscretion. Especially not a justified one.

"Rahna?" he echoed in surprise. "Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh – We stopped talking after that."

"Tell me what happened," Shepard said, and this time, they both knew was prying. Still, she couldn't take it back - she didn't even want to.

"Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who – E-Everyone who loved her," Kaidan explained slowly. "But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too."

"She was young - you both were," Shepard said with a sigh. Clearly Rahna hadn't deserved him, but she kept that thought to herself.

"Well, yeah," Kaidan replied with a shrug. "Anyway, this is, um… I had a point here. Aliens are individuals. Just because one's an ass doesn't mean they all are."

"Fair enough," she conceded his point. "And now I know where all that self-control comes from."

"I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard," he shrugged it off. "You know how it is. When we can do lethal harm with just our minds, we can't ever let ourselves forget. Besides, this is all ancient history. I'm over it."

"You agonize over doing the right thing. You never let yourself lose control," Shepard persisted. "All because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died."

"That's – All right," he cut himself off with a sigh. "Maybe you have a point. Maybe. But I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you. On the crew."

"Kaidan, you're a strong man," she said gently. "Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, and it doesn't make you immature. It makes you human. And you're never a burden to anyone."

"All right. But it's embarrassing you had to tell me that," he said with a self-deprecating grin. "You're right. I might need to loosen up. A little. I'll try."

"Well, I'll look forward to it," she replied.

"Glad you'll be here when it's over, Shepard," he said with a smirk of his own. "I'm, uh…I'm looking forward to some shore leave."

She would have read between those lines even if the look he gave her made his meaning perfectly clear. She found she had to clear her throat before she could reply in an even tone.

"We'll talk later, Kaidan," she finally said, figuring she should extricate herself before she got in over her head.

"I'd like that," he replied. The more he said that, the more his voice seemed to deepen and rasp.

She straightened and walked away before she could make a complete ass out of herself.


	4. Sacrifice

_A/N - Sooo... remember how I said this story was semi-canon? This is the chapter where that all goes out the window! (It's also the chapter that motivated me to write this fic entirely.) As I mentioned, I recently replayed Mass Effect, and I realized among all the feels and nostalgia that there's one thing that stands out and annoys me to no end... The idea that the by-the-book, still-struggling-with-his-demons, always-wanting-to-leave-himself-a-way-out Kaidan would confront Shepard about her decision on Virmire in the middle of the debrief AND drag into their personal relationship? Nope, huh-uh, sorry... not my Kaidan. Every time I play that scene, I cringe through it and then I need serious head cannon to role play around it. Perhaps it's just me, bit it did inspire this fic, so hopefully you'll forgive me ;-)_

 _Thanks to Bioware for everything Mass Effect, even if I don't always agree with them, I'm eternally grateful for the many long hours I've spent playing and writing about their games... Thanks to everyone reading, following and favoriting - I appreciate you all so much, too!_

 _As always, you can see this fic and much more at arinskye dot wordpress dot com!_

* * *

Kaidan stared at the closed door in front of him and wondered, not for the first time, if he was really planning on risking his life - again. He remembered how Shepard's face had looked after they'd returned to the Normandy from Virmire. Her lips had been drawn thin and tight and her eyes narrowed and set, but her pallor was sheet white rather than flushed in anger. She had barely spoken five words in the 'debrief' and had atypically not allowed any questions or comments before she had dismissed them all tersely and then left the room without a backwards glance.

It hadn't taken any special training or insight to recognize that Shepard wasn't handling the outcome of their latest mission well, and while he wasn't sure that his feelings on the matter were less turbulent, Kaidan knew one thing without a doubt. Shepard was a brewing storm and someone needed to step up and brave the tempest. They needed her on her game for their impossible mission to have an even slim chance of success. He figured the burden rested on him - an opinion that the rest of the crew seemed to share based on the way they had practically disappeared after the debrief.

Kaidan sighed and knocked. When he heard no answer, he tried again, this time rapping more insistently.

"Not now!" he clearly heard the growl from behind the closed door.

He winced a bit and gritted his teeth. He slapped the door release and wasn't surprised to see it swoosh open before him. It was too dangerous for any bulkhead on a warship to be locked - captain's quarters or not. He stepped inside and stopped, letting his eyes adjust to the dim surroundings. He couldn't immediately see her, though he was intensely aware of her presence on a primal level - both because of the heat of attraction that always seemed to simmer just beneath the surface whenever they were alone, and because instinct honed by years of battle screamed that he was in the presence of a dangerous predator.

"Commander..." he began and paused when he heard her nearly inaudible sigh. He turned his head toward the sound and finally spotted her. She was sitting on the floor on the far side of room, her back against the wall and her arms wrapped around her raised knees. Her head was down and she didn't look at him. He stiffened his shoulders, trying to think of the right words to begin.

"What part of 'not now' wasn't clear to you, Lieutenant?" she hissed in a voice that was icy cold and hard as steel, but also level and controlled.

"We should talk," he said firmly. Although she had addressed him formally and by title, he decided to take this to a personal level - one he figured he'd earned based on how their relationship had gone recently.

"Did you come here to scold me for taking away your noble sacrifice?" she asked scornfully. "Or to dissect how many ways that mission went sideways? Because I can quote you at least 13 regs that say I acted properly."

She still hadn't raised either her head or her voice and Kaidan winced a bit as her accusation struck him, as he was sure she knew it would, but persisted.

"I can't pretend to understand what you're feeling," he told her. "I've never lost anyone under my command - not to hostile action, anyway. But I do know something about dealing with the fallout after a tough call. It can eat you alive if you let it. And you're not alone... you should know that by now."

"Maybe I thought alone was better than seeing the accusation in your eyes," she said quietly. The fight seemed to have left her and she seemed tired.

He felt the blow of her words as if she had physically struck him.

"That's not-" he began defensively and then cut himself off. "Ok, I'll own that, but I was still reeling and adrenaline and survivor's guilt are a bad combination. But I've had a second to think now, and there's no one to blame but Saren."

"Are you sure?" she asked softly. "Because it was my job to get everyone out safely, and I failed. And I've been sitting here wondering if I would have made the same call if the regs were in Ashley's favor. I don't think I could have left you behind."

Kaidan disagreed - her ability to make the tough choices despite the personal cost was one of the reasons she was leading this fight - but he kept it to himself.

"You need a distraction," he told her, keeping his tone light.

"What kind of distraction?" she asked suspiciously, raising her head to look at him finally.

"Not that kind," he replied teasingly. "Get your head out of the gutter, Shepard." He was taking a risk, he knew, gambling on their tenuous relationship, new as it was. But his gut told him he was right. "Meet me on Deck 3 in five minutes if you want to find out."

He turned to walk out without speaking again and rushed to the elevator. Once he reached the cargo bay, he found that the occupants were more than willing to make themselves scarce once he warned them that Shepard was on her way, and he spent another few minutes hoping she wouldn't make him a liar. Finally, in what he figured was about four and a half minutes after he had left her cabin, she stepped off the elevator and into the cargo bay. He noted that she was walking straight and the fatigue that had seemed to weigh her down earlier was less obvious.

"What's this about, Kaidan?" she asked, and he noted that she sounded irritated and perplexed but not defeated.

"I figured you could use something to hit," Kaidan said mildly, taking up a fighting stance and motioning her forward with a quick flip of both hands.

"And you're volunteering?" Shepard asked.

Her tone made it clear that he would regret it, and he sincerely hoped she wasn't right. She approached him slowly and brought her fists up in front of her, bouncing on the balls of her feet. He studied her for a moment, both to admire her stance - fluid and loose - and to assess his opponent. They were nearly equal in height, the few inches he had on her were no real advantage, but he outweighed her by at least 15 kilos. Since he had no intention of using the power that weight difference might gain him to beat the shit out of her, he only hoped it wouldn't make him significantly slower. He was very sure she wouldn't pull any punches.

He threw the first jab, more of a test than a real effort that she easily blocked. She laughed a bit and returned the punch with one of her own, a shot toward his left shoulder which he danced back to avoid. They circled each other in the age old dance of fighters, testing their opponents reach and reflexes. She struck first, a solid punch to his solar plexis which she combo'd with a left hook so quickly he barely threw his head back in time to avoid more than just a glancing blow to his chin. The impact caused him to raise his barrier instinctively and she laughed again.

"Biotics are cheating," she scolded him playfully, though he saw the blue glow of her barrier swathing her as well and knew she was showing off.

When her fists began to glow and he knew a nova was sure to follow, he raised his hands in surrender and let his barrier dissipate. She gave a quick pout but cooperated.

"Sorry that was just reflex," he explained with a shrug as he resumed his stance.

This time he got a jab under her guard and managed to connect with her side despite her nimble sidestep. She spun and returned with a leg sweep that sent him off balance but not enough to topple him. He laughed a bit but he cut it short with an 'oof' when she landed another solid blow to his torso. He feinted and dodged and got a shot to her shoulder behind her defenses.

"Where'd you learn to fight, Lieutenant?" she asked when she dodged a heavy uppercut - barely.

"A group of us guys liked to blow off steam practicing hand to hand drills during basic," he told her as he danced around, fists raised, waiting for her next shot. When it came, he blocked it nimbly and used her own momentum to get a jab to her left side through. "Came in handy at my first post," he continued while she regrouped and resumed her stance. "My CO liked to settle any issues with his fists."

"A fighter not a lover," she replied with a frown. "Those are fun." She sidestepped another jab and spun it into a hook of her own that he blocked.

"Not so much," he said. He feinted to her left, and then had to quickly block another attempt at his legs. "But it kept my skills sharp. How about you? Were there krogan involved?"

"Very funny," she said with a mock glare. "Growing up on Alliance ships, I got to learn all kinds of useful stuff. There weren't a lot of other kids around, so the marines would take pity on me." She blew sweaty hair out of her eyes and danced deftly back out of another blow.

Her confession was matter-of-fact and he was sure she didn't consciously dwell on it, but it told him a lot about who she was and how she had gotten here. And it made their loss of a friend today all that much more significant.

"No siblings?" he asked after she dodged a right jab.

"Nah," she said, and returned the jab and laughed when he ducked it and then collided with her fist anyway when he sprang back up. "I'm a little surprised my parents were ever in one place together long enough to have me."

She paused and he pulled the punch that would have landed - barely.

"Sorry, that sounded a lot more bitter than I am about it," she said with a shrug and resumed her stance. "They were just very, very married to their careers - much more than each other."

"I'm an only child and an Alliance brat myself," he replied. "I'm just lucky - my dad got out before I was in high school. Served his 20 though."

"My dad was on his second twenty when he died," Shepard told him. Again her tone was matter-of-fact, unaffected. "I was in officer training at the time. Hadn't seen him in two years. But my mom's still in the Alliance... she's XO of the Kilimanjaro now."

Kaidan figured there was likely a world of hurt below the casual words, but he could tell she was beginning to shut down emotionally, and he steered the conversation to safer territory. They danced around for another ten minutes, trading glancing blows and light chat, until she finally stood back with hands raised.

"I think we can call it a draw," she said with a tired smile. "Thanks, Kaidan. I needed this."

"Happy to be of service, ma'am," he replied, secretly grateful that she had called a halt - he was beginning to flag, too.

"I don't believe I've had that pleasure... yet," she drawled suggestively and he realized that parts of him were much less fatigued than others.

"Ouch," he replied wryly. "I guess I walked right into that one, huh?"

She laughed and let him off the hook.

"I need to hit the shower and then go convince the rest of the crew that I'm not a total bitch," she said with a sigh. "But I'll check back in with you later, ok?"

"Looking forward to it," he agreed readily.

He stood and watched her until she disappeared on the elevator, then headed for his own shower. This late in the day, it was likely to be a cold one. That suited him just fine.

~x~

He looked up and smiled when she approached him at his station about an hour later.

"Hey, there," he greeted her.

"Hey, Kaidan," she replied. "Thanks again for earlier. I really appreciate it, but I realized once I calmed down I was being rather selfish. Ash was your friend, too. How are you dealing?"

"Dealing," he said with a shrug. "I guess I just keep thinking that if we were able to rally everyone together under the Council, it would be the best tribute to Ash. I mean, we're so close now, right? They have to listen to us."

"It's been a struggle," she confirmed. "But hopefully we've earned their respect now."

"It's a crazy situation when you stop to think about it," Kaidan said reflectively. "We're fighting giant machines from outside the galaxy. Should I be afraid of them? Or in awe of them? Anything so old, so intelligent…"

"You're such a nerd sometimes," she teased with a laugh. "Besides, they may have been around a while, but so were the turians. We gave them a boot in the ass."

"I think we're gonna need a bigger boot, Commander," he drawled, deadpan.

When she laughed at his joke, he took the opportunity to study her face surreptitiously. He could still see the fatigue and stress, but she seemed to be more relaxed and free. He nodded in satisfaction.

"You've been at the forefront, all the way back to the Blitz," he said softly, allowing his admiration for her accomplishments to show. "They'll probably give you another Star of Terra when this is over."

She winced visibly.

"Gods I hope not," she said with feeling. "I felt like the biggest fraud for the last one."

"Why?" he asked in surprise.

"Someday when we're not in the middle of a galactic crisis, I'll tell you the whole story, but for now let me just say I was no hero. I was just in the right place at the right time and too stubborn to give up," she scoffed. "I couldn't save them all, and I had to watch people die around me all day. The fact that they didn't end up slaves to the batarians was a Pyrrhic victory at best. So yeah, the Alliance counted it as a win, and pinned a medal on me, and because it made my mother and Anderson so proud, I gave in gracefully. But I vowed to never let that happen again. And we both know how that went. And now the best I can do for Ash is try to make it count."

He winced a bit at the renewed pain in her voice and rushed to steer the conversation in another direction.

"I was there that day, you know?" he told her. "When you got your medal."

"Really?" she said in surprise. "Why?"

"I realize now that your perspective is different, but it is a heroic story - and there are people alive and free today because of you," he explained. "That was enough, but add to the fact that I read that it was a young human biotic who accomplished it - well, I couldn't resist. And now I've gotten to know the real person behind the story... I know I've never met another woman like you."

"Neither one of us has had the easiest life, eh?" she said reflectively. "But I really like the man it's made of you."

"Please, Commander. You'll make me blush," he said with a grin. "No bull, Shepard. I wanna follow through with this. When this is over, let's take some time and figure out what's between us."

"That sounds perfect," she replied with feeling. "But careful you don't distract me from saving the galaxy."

"It'll take care of itself one of these days. Or nights," he bantered. "Shepard, you are hard to step away from."

"I hear you, soldier," she said as she began to do just that. She turned back before she was out of earshot and gave him a smile that curled his toes. "I'm in agreement."

"Oh, you are good at that," he said under his breath as she walked away. He shook his head and went back to work.


End file.
